Friday, February 27, 2009

Is it possible.......

that this is the only guy on the planet who hasn't seen a commercial for From

Deters: 'This is off-the-charts weird'

Prosecutor certain convict abused more than three corpses

By Kimball Perry

On many nights over 16 years, Kenneth Douglas engaged in his own personal macabre workplace party.

He often brought drugs or alcohol to work and sometimes had sex with women.

At least three of those women were dead, Hamilton County Prosecutor Joe Deters said Thursday.

But if Douglas is to be believed, he could have had sex with as many as "over a hundred" bodies in the 16 years he worked as night attendant at the Hamilton County morgue.

"I am sure there are more (victims). I'm certain of it," Deters said Thursday in announcing new indictments against Douglas.

"This guy's just a pig. I can't explain why someone would do something like this. ... This is off-the-charts weird."

Ala' Paul Harvey, here is the rest of the story.

Ides of March my ass

It took me a while but I found a partial list of some of the pork in the new stimulus bill on the Pro Patria Blog.

$2.4 billion carbon capture products…
$4.19 billion for ACORN and other bogus “community organizing” groups…
$650 million digital TV conversion…
$79 billion to bail out the state education system…
$400 million global warming research…
$50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts…
$200 million to refurbish the National Mall…

Makes you want to run right to the mailbox with that check for the IRS, doesn't it? And as an extra added attraction the White House announced that they are anticipating about 1 Trillion in new taxes for 2011. Great.

Tools of the trade

Next time you engage in a discussion with a "pro choice" advocate, ask them which they prefer. This...............

or this.....

Random 3am Fantasy

Wouldn't it be fun to sneak in to Ted Kennedy's room about now and wake him up while wearing a Mary Jo Kopechne mask?

Where Democrats come from

Parenting is never an easy job. About the time you get over the intoxication of that “new baby smell” and the astounding idea that you have actually procreated you come to the inescapable conclusion that someone by now should have had the courtesy to compile some sort of owners manual. Absent such an easy method you ply undaunted into uncharted waters and engage in the time honored method of flying by the seat of your pants. But even the most inexperienced sailor can manage some kind of rudimentary navigation with a basic compass. Unless you were raised by apes you possess this moral inertial guidance system courtesy of your parents.

Now I am sure that in the course of your upbringing there have been a host of things your parents did that you took issue with. But after careful adult consideration of their efforts you come to find that they did a fairly competent job. Dare I say that unless you were beaten with an extension cord or burned with cigarettes you have probably adopted most of if not all of the parenting skills they employed in your upbringing. Clearly, by the time the ripest fruit of your loins achieves young adulthood you can see your efforts paying dividends. Sometimes, this might be a bit much to assume. Case in point: Not long ago a group of students took over a building at NYU to protest the Israeli invasion of Gaza. Thankfully, after a brief and meaningless occupation the administration of the school had them removed and suspended them pending disciplinary action. Somewhere, several sets of parents have this to be proud of. (It’s a bit long but give it a look and note the witty repartee an incomplete undergraduate education and privileged upbringing provides)

Now I can’t speak for all of you but I can assure you that if after busting my ass for twenty years working two full time jobs and trying to be the best parent I could this was the result, there would be a toothless twenty year old residing in my shed missing several teeth circling the want adds with a borrowed crayon. I can also state with a large degree of certainty that I would consider defrosting my reproductive organs in the microwave to ensure that the same mistake would never be repeated.

It enrages me that imbeciles with no life experience can even think about disrupting the lawful comings and goings of others who have worked hard to enjoy the privilege of bettering themselves. A collection of doltish neo adolescents who would impose their uninformed and immature views on others while causing inconvenience and great expense while mindlessly compelling productive members of society to alter their lives and activities to accommodate their childish and reckless behavior. Future Democratic candidates one and all. Nothing a can of mace and an angry police dog couldn't’t have cured.

NB: Had the administration had some spine the NYPD could have ended this in about sixty seconds. My shift could have done it in ten.

Irony Defined

At the Paramedic project where I work we are required to meet yearly to renew our skills. In a very informal environment we review our competency in needle chest decompression and intra osseous infusion. You just have to love drilling into someone’s leg bone. But I digress.

In the past this gathering has been limited to Advanced Life Support providers (Paramedics). However, our department has grown a bit in the last few years and to make things a bit easier for our perennially overworked Clinical Coordinator we now include the Basic Life Support Providers (EMT’s) for their annual skill review.

A few weeks ago our hospital was being screened by a national organization in an effort to achieve a somewhat prestigious designation. In addition to a thorough inspection each area of clinical specialty was asked to prepare a display containing an overview of the department and its personnel. I routinely eschew participation in such displays. However several dozen of our staff members posted pictures of themselves with brief bios. Most were pretty standard but one in particular caught my eye. In it the author (a twenty something woman) listed among her activities her participation as a volunteer at Planned Parenthood “protecting the rights of women”. While this really irritated me I put on a shower cap (it was a busy day and I did not want housekeeping to have to clean up a mess should the top of my head explode) and continued on with my activities making a mental note to be confrontational with this imbecile should the opportunity present itself.

In the course of our recertification today each of us had to don an escape hood and conduct a “fit test” to determine what size we should don in case of an emergency. They are essentially a large plastic bag with a filtered valve and look like this.

Ironically, it occurred to me that with the judicious application of a small string and a bit of duct tape I potentially could have saved more lives in one afternoon than I have in almost twenty years as a Paramedic. Then again I have a soul and a conscience.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Forty Days

Lent has finally arrived and with that the preparation for the joy of Easter must begin in earnest. While fasting and almsgiving are keystones of the season remember the axiom "a little suffering is good for the soul". To that end I am currently sitting through some required in service training. Brutal, useless and painful. I think the speaker is on loan from the Dark Master.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Fat Tuesday

Only 3 hours and 55 minutes left to gorge myself. If you hear a tearing sound followed by a loud boom its only my abdomen splitting open to let my entrails spew across the floor. I am actually looking forward to an austere Lent. But I think I should be able to find room to fill the remaining voids in my alimentary canal with a banana milkshake from Checkers. No sense rushing in to this.

Orthodoxy Defined

Sometimes a brave man can change the world. Following is a brief passage from a letter in a parish bulletin in Escondido, California authored by its pastor Fr. Richard Perozich.

The first 100 days of a new presidency is the time when legislation desired by the new leader is rammed through the congress without much discussion and over the objections of the minority party. It often is not good legislation, has been brewing in the hearts of special interest groups for years, who now have a vehicle to impose their will on the American people.

If the special interest groups have their way, it will spell the end of days for the American nation as we have known it since 1776. Abominations will be forced on us by the new government, such as which our founders never had intended, and certainly opposed to the Christian life: abortion on demand, homogenital sex, lust in all its forms, euthanasia, oppression of opportunity and entrepreneurs, silencing of faith and free speech among many.

The rest of his letter to his flock can be found here. I recommend that you read it in its entirety. It is thought provoking and TRUE.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Seriously contemplating a Lenten Fast

Hilarious. Disturbing, but hilarious.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Nursing Management, a true oxymoron

Moron is truly the operative part of the phrase. While the rest of the world functions on a monthly schedule that actually spans from the first to the last of the month the parallel universe of nursing schedules from the 15th to the 15th. Can anyone out in the real world explain why? Or is it just another way to make life all that much more inconvenient? Okay, I fell a little better now.

What happens when you take the time to raise your kids

While this video will speak for itself I would like to make one brief comment. How is it a 12 year old Canadian girl can grasp the complexities of this issue while the highly educated woman, who by the way is after the Vice President in the line of succession can't seem to wrap her brain around the issue? A truly sad statement about our leadership.

You can read some of the details about how this thoughtful young lady is taking her lumps from the Socialists in Canada over at Father Tim Finigan's blog.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Political Primer

Got this one by email. It has been around a while but is still a sound explanation of our political system.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Kindred Spirits

For those of you kind enough to visit from time to time I want to draw your attention to my blog list. While meandering about today I discovered a link to a blog with the title The Digital Hairshirt. I could not resist and after taking a rather lengthy peek and enjoying a substantial period of laughter I wanted to pass along a strong endorsement. Please make sure to stop by and check it out.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Somewhere Gerald Ford is Smiling

Not a big deal but the President on his fifth flight on Marine One slammed his noggin in to the door frame. Two questions leap to mind. First, will Chevy Chase revive his career but lampooning our Chief Executive's clumsiness? Second, will this errant blow to the head knock some sense in to him and prevent the implementation of his "economic stimulus" program that is sure to bankrupt the real middle class?

Middle class. It is clear that not one solitary soul (hey there's an oxymoron screaming for comment) in Washington has an idea of what that term means. The true middle class are those of us that went to college, have a working spouse and a part time job and are footing the bills for the political middle class. You know us, we're the folks putting off vacations and driving crappy cars to keep our kids in parochial schools and out of a failed and morally bankrupt public education system. You've probably seen us driving bleary eyed from side job to side job in an effort to sock away money in a retirement account while the gluttonous swine in DC (eg. Nancy Pelosi) conspire to find ways to "manage" it away for us.

So when next you see or hear a politician state that they are going to "save" the middle class don't be deluded into thinking next years tax bite will be any less for you. It will be designed to "stimulate" those folks who are content to work their forty hour week, lay on the couch and make not one effort to improve the futures of their children or themselves. Your best intentions aside, that's who you are working for.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Kevlar Crozier

The Bishop of Scranton Pennsylvania H. E. the Most Reverend Joseph Martino does not beat around the bush when it comes to calling out alleged Catholics who support abortion. Bishop Martino recently published a letter he sent to Senator Robert Casey D-PA regarding his recent vote to rescind the Mexico City policy which prohibited federal dollars from being used to fund abortions over seas. While a good number of the Episcopacy wring their hands and fret this good man has taken the bull by the horns.

He said in part "Your vote against the Mexico City Policy will mean the deaths of thousands of unborn children. This is an offense against life and a denial of our Catholic teaching on the dignity of every human being. This action is worthy of condemnation by all moral men and women."

Thats just the warm up. You can read more on this over at
Father Z's WDTPRS or go right to the Diocesan Website.

When is the book burning?

Well they said the first one hundred days of the Obama administration would be eventful. For those of you who have been carefully burying your guns in places unnamed this is a post in which you will be very interested. It seems that a Democratic Senator from Michigan feels that constitutionally protected free speech needs the oversight of the Federal Government. Apparently the esteemed SENATOR DEBBIE STABENOW D-MI has a bit of a problem with people freely criticizing the government. It would appear that they aren't about to let a petty obstacle like the US Constitution get in the way either. Check out the link here. Pretty scary stuff.

The Eagle has landed and is being pelted with rocks

Sometimes anger gets the better of me. Such was the case today when I was reading the local rag online. Not the best newspaper on the planet but if you want to keep up on local news and the obligatory daily check of the obituary page your kind of stuck.

While I am a firm believer in the freedom of the press, like any other right we enjoy here in the greatest country on the planet that freedom comes with responsibility. And I feel comfortable in stating categorically that most papers and in particular the Home News and Tribune fall woefully short in the responsibility category.

As a cop I get really angry when I see a headline like Police Chief's Son Indicted or Paramedic accused of. I can understand that public officials are held to a higher standard. With the added responsibilities we enjoy we candidly enjoy privileges not afforded to the public at large. But when a public official, especially one of us in the uniformed services, gets lumped in to a headline because of something a spouse or errant offspring might have done I get really angry. To be fair, if I or any public servant is directly involved in something that might color my service in a negative light we should be fair game. But the free handed way in which marginal print outlets try to boost readership by creating a story that isn't there is galling. But like I said, it comes with the territory.

Today when reading the rag I saw a headline that blared "Former Eagle Scout pleads guilty in Sex Assault". Catchy isn't it. But when you read the article you find that his status as an Eagle Scout had nothing to do with the crime. Yet the irresponsible media takes the liberty of whipping out their paint brush and in the process of trying to generate interest in an otherwise marginal story smears an entire group of people.

I became an Eagle Scout in 1978. It was a great accomplishment then and for the kids attaining that rank now its an even bigger deal in a society that eschews the very things that Scouting stands for. It is something that some thirty years later I am still very proud of. For these hacks to obliquely besmirch an entire group of people is a great injustice.

Not all Eagle Scouts commit sexual assaults, not all Cops are mindless brutes with a penchant for violence and not every member of the clergy is a closet predator waiting to jump out of a tree on to an unsuspecting kid. To be fair, not all journalists are bottom dwelling creeps that profit from the misfortune of others. But this kind of irresponsibility carries with it the risk that the editors and staff of the Home News Tribune could be perceived as such.

Following is the letter I sent to their paper tonight. I am realistic to know that its impact on there practices will be nil but at least I was able to defend an institution I hold dear.

To the Editor:

While reading the online version of The Home News Tribune today I was alarmed to see the Headline “Former Eagle Scout pleads guilty in Morris Twp. Sex Assault case”. Curious as to how being an Eagle Scout had even the most remote relation to the facts at hand I read the piece thoroughly. As I suspected, there was no relevance to the inclusion of this fact. I would like to say I was surprised, sadly I was not. It is scandalous that a newspaper of supposed good repute would engage in an editorial practice that features salacious but irrelevant tidbits in an attempt to boost readership.

Clearly the man cited in the article committed a crime. He admitted his role and will face the consequences. Not one element of the story indicates that his attainment of the rank of Eagle Scout had anything to do with the incident. Yet his past accomplishment is displayed as a banner over his misdeeds as if to paint every Eagle Scout with the same broad brush.

The Home News Tribune has had a generous history of articles detailing the accomplishments of the Boy Scouts of America in general and Eagle Scouts in particular. It is sad that in this case of exceptionally poor editorial judgment those generous works have been erased. That’s the problem when you paint with a broad brush. Sometimes you get dirty yourself.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Most dangerous job in America

Sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for the next season of the Deadliest Catch? Living vicariously while flipping back and forth between COPS and Ice Road Truckers? A recent USA Today article shows that the most dangerous job in America is as a crew member on a Medical Helicopter. Per capita the death rate among air crew members on medevac crews is higher than deep sea fishermen and loggers. Maybe there is something to this whole gravity thing.

All those years of calorie counting for naught!

Hope there aren't any lard cannibals out there or I am in deep trouble.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

How about them apples

On a rare evening off with the children out of the house my wife and I ventured forth to spend a bit of quality time alone. As she had an upcoming social engagement and needed to grab a small gift we went to a local store that specializes in home décor ranging from large furniture to the more common knick knack. To say my wife and I don’t get an opportunity like this too often is an understatement. As a matter of fact my son pointed out that the last time he remembered the two of us being able to go to a movie was when he was a sophomore in high school. He’s now in his second year of college.

As we leisurely walked about the store I was fascinated by a good many things, some tangible, others less so. First there were the requisite husbands dutifully following their wives around while quietly praying for death after being asked their opinion of one china pattern or another. Then there was the twenty something well dressed professional man browsing the wine glasses most probably for a dalliance with a young lady he had planned for later in the evening. Poor bastard. Little does he realize that it’s such a dalliance that will land him in circumstances identical to the aforementioned muttering husbands in no time at all.

The most fascinating observation I made however is the time and care women will put in to looking for just that right accent for their home décor. Now it’s not that I don’t appreciate the care and pride my wife takes in decorating our house. But it occurs to me that if women spent just a fraction of the time and intense attention to detail that goes in to picking just the right tin lamp or country styled plaque with a clever saying perhaps the world might be an even better place.

On the other hand, maybe the world would be even better if Nancy Pelosi went out shopping for some knick knacks of her own. Maybe she’d like some nice large wooden apples.

Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA)

President Obama has stated that he will sign this legislation if passed by the Congress. In a nutshell its passage would remove almost every possible restriction on abortion. Click on the link to see a short and thought provoking video. The Deacon's Bench: Someone needs to show this to Obama. Now.

FLETC update

Last weekend I was able to speak with both H. Carl Farvman and Spike to get an update on their progress at the academy. I am happy to report that both are doing well. Farvman, having already graduated from the same curriculum just two years ago is easily navigating the academics and has come to the conclusion this is a 14 week program with a personal trainer courtesy of Uncle Sam. He recently made a weekend trip to the famous Miami Ink and will perhaps be returning to NJ with a new tat.

Spike's knees are holding up well but he has a heinous case of shin splints. Undeterred he marches on albeit like a fat elderly man with a full adult diaper. I don't have an address for them but they are both Internet equipped and I am sure for those of you that have their address they would love to hear from you.

If cleanliness is next to Godliness.....

I visited hell last night. While unusual we occasionally have to travel some distance from our primary response area to back up other medic units when they are tied up on other assignments. Last night when we were in the furthest southern reaches of our area we were sent to a city one entire county away for a diabetic. Under the best of circumstances it would take us twenty minutes to reach the address where the BLS unit was awaiting our arrival.

We arrived at a nice little ranch home on a side street that was still sporting an Obama 08 sign on the lawn. Should have been my first clue I suppose as even after Bush won in 04 I removed his sign from my lawn the next day.

As we entered this palace I was alarmed at a crunching noise as I walked across the living room rug. I was concerned as I may have picked up some left over rock salt on my walk across the driveway and I did not want to be tracking anything in with me. As it turns out I would have been better off. At least a heavy coating of salt would have protected me from the vile collection of crumbs impregnating this carpet. I am not talking about the odd cracker crumb mind you but more pulverized carbohydrates than Aunt Jenny's meatloaf. Ordinarily I would have insisted that they secure the family dog in another room for our safety but the fat pug just lay in the corner stupefied from his failed efforts to cleanse the house of every errant morsel. Likely he was the one we should have done a dex stick on. He was probably in DKA.

I had planned to clean my garage when I went home in the morning. I went to bed instead knowing I could have moved these folks in and it would have been an improvement.

Liturgical Counteroffensive

Just when things are rolling along nicely someone has to chuck an obstacle in your path.

When last I updated you about our Guerrilla Schola we were well into the Advent season and our efforts were met with appreciation at the Parish where we sang for Mass. We have since begun to gear up for Lent and look forward to adding to an already thriving and talented pastoral music program. In addition we are looking forward to making a regular appearance at a nearby Parish where the Pastor offers Mass in the Extraordinary Form on Saturdays. That is of course once we manage to learn the propers. Our long suffering Maestro is learning the difficulties of imparting new knowledge on less than fertile middle aged minds. Undeterred he marches joyfully on.

That is of course until last week. I will be vague on details in order to protect his identity. Gently and over the course of a year or so The Maestro has been incrementally adding more traditional elements to the music at Mass. Not all in Latin but certainly the musical selections introduced have been in lock step with the Magesterium and without a doubt appropriate for season and feast. While there has been a great deal of encouragement from the folks in the pews Father has seen fit to, shall we say, put a screeching halt to any further forward movement in this regard. To add insult to injury he has indicated his preference to musical selections more akin to the St. Louis Jesuits. For those of you unfamiliar with liturgical music this is the equivalent of hosting Barney the Dinosaur at Avery Fischer Hall or holding the Super Bowl in Mozambique.

Chafing under the unforgiving bridle of obedience what choice does he have. However, the building will continue brick by brick. But it is apparent at least in the short term that we will be operating the kiln in a more clandestine fashion.

In the meantime we will continue to work on the propers in the hope that things will really catch on at our alternative location. More to follow as things develop.

Misspent Youth Part II

One thoughtful and thought provoking gift I received this Christmas was a DVD containing every issue from the long history of National Lampoon Magazine. Founded in 1971 Lampoon was a mainstay of my teen years. I can't begin to tell how exciting it was to rediscover this rich treasure of satire that I enjoyed for so many years.

Admittedly a good amount of the material is dated particularly when it comes to the political aspects of the magazine. But that aside this is a tremendous collection of social satire that has withstood the test of time. From the silly yet hilarious Letters from the Editor to the randomly placed topless photo funnies it is still funny and relevant thirty years later. Former readers of the magazine will appreciate the return of such comic classics as Dirty Duck, Timberland Tales (featuring Constable Tom rumoured to have a small amount of brain damage) and Zippy the Pinhead.

As I loaded the DVD on to my trusty laptop I found myself wondering if humor written in the days before random urine testing in the workplace would withstand the test of time. I wasn't disappointed. You can find the set over at

Circle the wagons

In the last two weeks there have been a great many important events in the world of religion. Some of them have the potential to dramatically alter the shape of Christianity in a way not contemplated since the Protestant Reformation.

On top of the list is the lifting by Pope Benedict XVI of the excommunication of the Bishops of the Society of Saint Pius X (SSPX). For those of you not familiar with the history involved here is a bit of background.

During the Pontificate of Blessed Pope John XXIII an ecumenical council later to be commonly referred to as Vatican II changed the manner in which Roman Catholics worship. The prevalence of Latin in the liturgy and many other traditions fell by the wayside as the Church attempted to become more relevant in the changing climate of the sixties. Traditionalists, like those of the SSPX held on to the traditions of the "old church" and after a series of events culminating in the unapproved ordination of four bishops were separated from communion with the Church.

This week the Pope lifted those excommunications. While there are still many issues to be ironed out with respect to full return of SSPX to the Roman Catholic fold it appears that this issue is on the fast track and will result in to the joyous return of this prodigal traditional element of the Faith.

Another big event being bandied about the blog sphere is what appears to be the imminent inclusion of the Traditional Anglican Church (TAC) in to the Roman Catholic Church as a personal prelature. The ramifications of a half million conservative Anglicans "swimming the Tiber" has huge implications particularly with the talks of schism in the Anglican Church between more traditional minded adherents and those that support the ordination of women and homosexuals.

As the political world has taken a sharp left turn both here and abroad it is interesting to note that conservative religious seem to be banding together. And while these developments have been decades in the making it is interesting to consider that stimulus to bring these events to fruition is the leftward shift in our politics.

As a nation we are morally tetering on the brink. Our new President has indicated his complete support for the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA). This legislation will allow abortion on demand. Additionally it will remove mandates for parental notification and allow for greater Federal funding of abotions and related procedures. At the bottom of this slippery slope is something that should concern all health care providers. The absoulte removal of protections allowing persons personally opposed to these "freedoms" from participating in infantcide. Simply put, a nurse who can now refuse to participate in aborting a fetus will lose the ability to do so.

It is easy I suppose in the abstract to say you are not morally opposed to abortion. When you are the one that will have to pass the forceps to the doctor to crush a baby's skull will you have the same resolve? Will you be able to stand idly by in the procedure room and watch these events unfold?

If not, there will be plenty of room in the circle.

Half a sandwich?

Perhaps I am too judgemental. However, a certain event that will trigger my ire is the job half done. For those of you with children this is an easy rant to understand. Did you clean your room junior? And despite their protests that their job was good enough you find that their performance is sub standard. Its a grinding war of attrition and like many frustrated parents before me I have been tempted to give up. After all, its not me that has to live in the swill. But then my better senses take hold and the fight continues and the job finally is done satisfactorily.

You can't help but wonder then how many parents that have gone before us have surrendered to the temptation of allowing junior to go through life at half measure. What would the implications be? I think I have the answer.

As a semi reformed fat guy who has to eat on the road alot I am compelled to dine often on sandwiches and similar delicacies. Worse yet, circumstances dictate that many times this cuisine must be eaten on the fly, often in a moving vehicle. So you can understand the importance of having an entree of this variety prepared in two clear and identifiable segments. In common parlance, cut in half. Now to the uninitiated you might think that this is a simple request. Take whatever cutting implement is readily at hand and divide the object of my culinary desire in to two more or less equal parts. And to show I am a reasonable person, anything up to the 70-30 split would be acceptable. Despite the simplicity of this concept I am confronted more and more by a phenomenon that complicates what should be a simple part of the day. On the go dining.

More often than not when I reach my mobile dining destination I will greedily unwrap the meal and hope to scarf it down before the radio chirps to life and summons me to the next assignment necessitating the temporary abandonment of the meal. As I go to separate the two halves there it is, a doughy umbilical binding what should be two specific hemispheres of delicatessen delight. Frustrated I pull to quickly dislodge its death grip only to have the roll shear at a bizarre angle exposing the once neatly contained entrails to the elements or worse spraying my uniform with condiments of gelatinous variety.

When I stop at one of my more regular dining destinations I try to make a point of asking that my bagel or sandwich be cut fully in two. Most often the clerk will look at me as if I am a raving lunatic. Yet with regularity despite my explicit requests, there is no parting of the way.

So when you next question your sanity as you get after your kids to get with the program remember that you are at least saving some poor bastard from wearing half his lunch. And with any luck you are preventing a poorly designed building or a half filled tooth. Whatever the outcome the world in some measure will probably be a less frustrating place.